Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Indulge me... please

Okay... so I'm more drunk now than I was before...

I've invented a little game, I call it 'the drunken lecturer':

I'm a 'university lecturer', or 'college professor' if you swing that way.

I'm teaching the all-important unit required by everyone to complete their degree in life: 'Stuff 101'.

Anyone who reads this post is now a 'student' in Stuff 101.

Your major assignment for the semester is as follows:

Choose ONE of the following essay topics and answer it in the comments section of this post. Your answer should consist of no less than 30 words and no more than 120 words.

  • How did George W. Bush become arguably the world's most powerful man?
  • Canada: A great place to visit, yet total underachievers in the area of culture and the arts. Agree or disagree.
  • "Asparagus urine". Discuss.
  • Explain the apparent success of Keanu Reeves' acting career.
  • Define love.
Good luck. Your answers are due by May 18. 'Lindy England styled punishment' will be dealt out to those students who submit their essays late. You have been warned...

All submissions will be graded when I get around to it...


At 10:22 pm, Anonymous jen said...

Aww, I thought this was gonna be a kinky sex game.

At 12:59 pm, Blogger Blondie said...

hmmm so do you have bets going with yourself on who will try to tackle what question? And I'm not convinced that you're a lecturer, given there were no f'words in the whole entry :P

Given I haven't been to Canada since I was 4, I'm dodging that one with a bargepole. Politics I'll happily admit I don't know enough to develop a totally informed opinion and I'd get bombed - noone can claim to be an expert on love without completely jinxing themselves, so to hell with it - good luck on grading me! The only thing is, you've given too broad a topic for a small space to be filled for an answer so here goes with one topic:

Define Love: Caring about someone faults, flaws, attributes AND shining highlights (non-hair ones that is), despite whatever stupid things they might do, based not on how they make you feel but how you feel about them and the good/worth that you see in them which eclipses any of those flaws, mistakes, goofs, or downright schmukiness in behaviour.

Waiting for the resounding laughter and pisstakes at my naievetie but to hell with it...

Otherwise try this on for size "the total naieve stupidity that makes you think that you can completely know and trust a person despite the cruddy things that human beings are always capable of doing to each other without any regard".

At 1:51 pm, Blogger miss wendy said...

I did answer it.. all of them actually but then my dog ate it and I got knocked down by a possum while I was trying to post it and bitten by the electric fence while trying to catch the possum and.......
by the way .. have you eva thought of making use of the uni counseling services?- I am a little 'pro cousneling' I'll admit.. but sounds like you have some conversation that would be like pronography for a counselor- as in rivetting and of interest.. and you never know they may be able to assit you to move along with some of those things you have discussed here... not that dirinking isn't also a sound option..
Also I know a woman I used to see regularly while in Perth myself - her name is Mary Choo and she is based in Kardinya and you can ring her on 93126596. She's usually quite busy .. kinesiologist.. lovely person and very useful..
anyway I'd best get back to the redraft of the assignment.. 'cos it didn't get electronically stored either actually because..........

At 2:09 pm, Blogger Blondie said...

ps and it's widely accepted that Keanu cannot act, but hey he's still pretty... much like Jessica Simpson, and arguably that little skeez, Paris Hilton. :)

At 3:01 am, Blogger lanners said...

Let me tackle the Canada question, seeing as i am a home-grown Canuck...

Canada: A great place to visit, yet total underachievers in the area of culture and the arts. Agree or disagree.

Canada, proud home of the “beavertail” and the inukshuk--artistic underachievers, yes! Cultural wasteland, no! Our artistic marshlands and tall rocky mountains are fertile with talent.

Canada boasts a wide and varied artistic and cultural heritage; the only problem is no one knows about it. If people took the time to dive headfirst into art history rather than hockey (oh thank god for the walkout and strike this year!!) perhaps we wouldn't be considered underachievers, eh?

Noteworthy and famous Canadian Artists (of all media): Emily Carr, Alex Colville, Glenn Adams, the Group of 7, Mordecai Richler, Timothy Findley, bill.bisset, W.O. Mitchell, Glen Loates, Rufus Wainwright, BTO, Neil Young, Diana Krall, and for this last one, I apologize, Céline Dion.

The above list is but a small cross section of some of the talented artists in Canada. The problem is not that we are underachievers in the arts; we are notorious for sabotaging our own people.

Perhaps this cultural paradigm should be further examined by someone with much more impressive credentials than I have, but Canada suffers from a severe case of what resembles “small wang syndrome”. Were I an artist myself and able to draw a caricature of this particular affliction it would closely resemble a locker room with a drawing of the U.S. in a towel laughing and pointing at a shrinking Canada (who is also wearing a towel). The U.S. has emasculated Canada and made people ashamed to support their own homegrown talent out of fear that they will not succeed and we will be tormented or bullied. Much like everything else Canada embarks upon; our support is nothing less than lackluster for our own…unless they succeed. For example, Nickelback (yuck, I hate even typing the word out). Here is a popular (why!) band from Canada who didn’t really become all that famous in their homeland until the U.S. lapped them up and made them overnight stars.

See where I’m going with this? (Am I going anywhere with this? This isn’t coherent at all. I need sleep!)

The U.S. has turned us into their “whipping boy” and it is reflected in almost every aspect of our lives.

I love my country, but I hate taking it up the bum!

At 3:04 am, Blogger lanners said...

P.S. Unfortunately Keanu is Canadian. He alone is reason enough to be an underachiever and hide behind the U.S.

I will not touch the topic of LOVE with a ten-foot pole because i am old and bitter.

Oh yeah...thanks for the comment on my blog. Hope you don't mind me invading your blogspace again.

At 4:31 am, Blogger Melina said...

Love is...saying you're sorry and meaning it. Thinking of something that you know would put a smile on the other person's face without expecting or wanting anything in return. It's enjoying each other's company when you're doing nothing more than talking, walking the dog, or sharing a nice cold beer (or wine) and a cool sunset. That's my idea of love at least. Hence the reason why I'm still single.

At 6:29 am, Blogger jenny said...

Love: emotional concept having to do with bonds (chosen or otherwise), that humans experience in relation to other humans, animals or things, generally interpreted as positive. exists in different intensity-levels. sub-categories;

-romance, in which the emotions includes sexual desire and, generally, a need for exclusiveness. experienced almost exclusively with other humans.

-kinship, where the emotions generally lasts the entire lifespan of the humans. often has periods of different intensity-levels over time. can be extended to humans (or animals) not formally kins.

-friendship, generally a weaker version of kinship. experienced in relation to both other humans and animals.

-ownership, usually associated with things; in some cases also animals and humans. in some cases interpreted as negative, especially when involving other humans.


120. exactly. (damn restrictions. the first version was 163 words, and _much_ better.) enjoy ;)

At 3:16 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My love is of a birth as rare
As 'tis, for object, strange and high;
It was begotten by Despair
Upon Impossibility.

Magnanimous Despair alone
Could show me so divine a thing,
Where feeble Hope could ne'er have flown
But vainly flapped its tinsel wing.

And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixed;
But Fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

For Fate with jealous eye doth see
Two perfect loves, nor lets them close,
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyranic power depose.

And therefore her decrees of steel
Us as the distant poles have placed
(Though love's whole world on us doth wheel),
Not by themselves to be embraced.

Unless the giddy heaven fall,
And earth some new convulsion tear,
And, us to join, the world should all
Be cramped into a planisphere.

As lines, so loves oblique may well
Themselves in every angle greet,
But ours, so truely parallel,
Though infinate, can never meet.

Therefore the love which us doth bind,
But Fate so enviously debars,
Is the conjunction of the mind,
And opposite of the stars.
"Definition of Love" - Andrew Marvel

Sorry I know its plagerism but I like this poem and I could never define Love remotely the same. I wear my heart on my sleeve far too often to define it myself.

At 3:57 pm, Blogger Blondie said...

lovely poem - was it directed at you? :) sounds like you have a fan - see you grow the beard back and the love comes right in through a window... ;)

At 8:41 pm, Blogger cotard said...

Oh goodie... I've just got in from work to find all of these lovely entries.

I'll get around to reading them once I've had some dinner... I'm craving chinese food.

I'm saddened to see that no one has attempted the "asaragus urine" topic. There will be a bonus for the first genuine attempt...

Oh, and Melina, I have some postcards. I just have to think of something to write on them... expect them soon.

At 10:18 pm, Blogger lanners said...

"Asparagus urine" occurs approximately 30 minutes after ingesting the green vegetable. Due to a chemical reaction in the body, those special people (who are blessed with the ability to produce "eau d'asperges,") who eat asparagus will produce some funky smelling urine.

It is also believed that only a person with a certain enzyme present in their chemical make-up will be able to smell this acrid reaction.

At 4:49 am, Blogger Dave said...

First off, Keanu was born in Hawaii. He lived in Toronto for while, but he’s an American citizen. Try to foist him off on us, but you can’t.

Second: underachievers in the area of culture and the arts? If we’re talking on in an International scope, then I could see how someone could argue that we were (though I would personally disagree—particularly if the arguer’s country was responsible for Yahoo Serious, Neighbours, and Fifty Odd Foot of Grunt).

In literature, we have Margaret Atwood, Alice Munroe, Michael Ondaatje, Mordecai Richler, Yann Martel, Leonard Cohen, Alistair MacLeod, Rohinton Mistry—all big, International names and that’s just off the top of my head. In music, for better or worse, there’s Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Sarah McLachlan, Nickleback, The Barenaked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Alanis Morrisette—not necessarily bands to me taste, but of a caliber that could actually be considered overachievers. As far as Canadian film goes—I’ll agree—not a lot of breakouts there (except for The Barbarian Invasions, which took best foreign film at last year’s Oscars.) Our actors are everywhere though, and I won’t even start naming them off because we’d be here all day. Theatre, Dance; can’t say I’m especially knowledgeable in those areas so I’m not the one to judge. And art was covered well by someone previously.

So, I would disagree. If you were to say that—I don’t know— Kazakstan was a great place to visit, yet were underachievers in the area of culture and the arts, you might have a case.

At 10:05 am, Blogger cotard said...

Whoa Dave, don't take it so seriously.

I never said that I thought Canada were curtural underachievers, I just put the question out there for discussion. The quote "total underachievers in the area of culture and the arts" came from a Canadian student in one of my classes at university, I just thought I'd throw it out there as I know a lot of Canadians read my blog...

Yahoo Serious, 30 Odd Foot of Grunt, and you might as well throw The Crocodile Man in there as well, are just nasty tricks that we've played on the Americans. These people gained notoriety in the States long before Australians even knew who they were... and quite frankly, they can keep them.

I notice you neglected to mention; Cate Blanchett, Geoffrey Rush, Nicole Kidman, Toni Collette, Rachel Griffiths... and that's just the actors. Although we've dragged out feet on film, nothing to compare to Barbarian Invasions that I can think of...

Anyway, thanks for stopping by.... just lighten up a little next time.

At 11:11 pm, Blogger Melina said...

I'm sorry but I liked Yahoo Serious anyways...foist away little Aussie man, foist away. Oh and I can't wait for my postcards! Did you figure out what you're going to write? Write something dirty or something funny...or just plain old HI and I'll be happy! I wish you could hear me squealing with happiness and joy! (ew squealing is a weird word)

At 12:48 am, Blogger cotard said...

I've done some marking....

Jen: You obviously misunderstood the question. Try again.

Blondie (on love): Good definition, but not 'complete' enough. 65% (credit).

Miss Wendy: Weak excuses, but I'll grant you an extension.

Waxing Pathetic (on Canada): Good argument, well structured. 70% less 5% for exceeding the word limit = 65% (credit).

Melina (on love): Interesting choice of question for you... I found your definition lacking a bit, although it was an honest attempt. 60% (credit).

Jenny (on love): I liked the scientific approach taken to, what is, a complex question. Almost the 'complete' answer 80% (high distinction).

Anonymous (on love): Not only did you not put your name on your work, but it's not even 'your' work. 0% (fail).

Waxing Pathetic (on asparagus urine): Could not be graded as the question specifically states to address only ONE of the topics. I did however promise a 'bonus' on this question... so you have earned my total and utter respect for the rest of the month (that's quite a bonus!)

Dave on Canada: A bit too aggressive for my liking and there was absolutely no need for the comparison to some of Australia's most embarrassing cultural exports, this was not a comparative exercise. 50% (pass).

Submissions are still being accepted.

At 2:58 am, Blogger Melina said...

you're a tough grader, Mister. Remind me not to take one of your courses again! That was fun though, I think you should do it again sometime.

At 5:28 pm, Blogger Jay said...

Definition of love:

Love means reading a post that appears to take an undeserved potshot at my beloved country, and yet, generously, still coming back tomorrow to read, and laugh, and try again.

At 11:37 am, Blogger Dave said...

Sorry, wrote that one at the end of a shitty day at work, and what seemed sort of tongue in cheek at the time came off very differently. I've stopped by your site a few times and enjoyed it a lot, and now I sort of hate that that was my first comment here.

Rest assured that my panties are now unbunched.

At 7:47 pm, Blogger cotard said...

All is forgiven Dave... you're welcome anytime.

Oh, and sorry about the bad grade...

At 10:48 pm, Blogger lanners said...

I will take my 70% - 5% for exceeding the word limit plus your total and utter respect for the rest of month and i'll run with it.

now what should i do with the remaning 22 days of respect?

At 10:52 pm, Blogger cotard said...

What you choose to do with your three weeks of respect is totally your decision.

I will of course, totally respect that decision...

So much respect... can you feel it?

At 10:41 am, Blogger lanners said...

i'm oozing with respect!


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